Widows Quest

May 12th, 2008

A Walk A Day Keeps the Depression at Bay

The last couple of weeks have been hard, very hard. My health has not been great and when that happens, depression seems to descend over me. It just shows how important our health is, in the grief recovery process.

The last couple of days I have forced myself to get out into the sunshine. I have walked for   about 5 miles each day. Although I live on the edge of a city, I am fortunate to live near a canal and also on the edge of some wonderful countryside.

During those walks I have put my iPod on, played my favourite music and watched the natural world around me. I have seen the lambs bounding across the fields with joy, and smiled.

Walking has done 3 things

1. It has made me get out of the house, which is full of memories and see that life goes on.
2. It has got my heart pumping and made me feel healthier and more alive.
3. It has relaxed me and helped me put life into perspective.

Sometimes life can be so frantic we  just need some space to relax, think and  reenergise ourselves. I now know that a walk a day keeps the depression at bay…. if you are feeling down, try walking in the fresh air and feeling that heart beat inside of you.

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May 11th, 2008

Carnival of Positive Thinking

Each Sunday I post articles that will help us through our grief process and help us find a happiness that we may not feel at the moment is possible. Here are this weeks articles

Matthew Spears presents The flame of blame posted at Loving Awareness, saying, “By assigning responsibility to anyone or anything for a given result, you are assigning blame. It is the need to look for a cause for an experience that is the major factor in blame. So if you want to let go of the blaming process, you must let go of a need to assign responsibility.”

hkalchemy presents Effortless Abundance | Making your dreams come true posted at Effortless Wealth and Abundance.

David B. Bohl presents Who Are You? 4 Steps For Getting Back to Your Individuality posted at Slow Down Fast Today!, saying, “Our lives are defined by our choices. But often, the choices we make don’t appear at the time to be the important crossroads that they later turn out to have been.”

Edith presents Who are we? posted at Edith Yeung.Com: Dream. Think. Act..

Jirel presents From today I will posted at Positive and Successful Life Style tips.

Heather Johnson presents 7 Ways to Think More Positively | SKORCAREER posted at SKORCAREER.

ananga presents 5 Ways to Hold on to Your Energy posted at Ananga Sivyer’s Living by Design Blog.

Shaheen Lakhan presents Are You Depressed Because You?re Introverted? posted at GNIF Brain Blogger, saying, “Happiness and depression are inheritable and there are genetic links to certain personality traits. Those who are extroverted, open, agreeable and conscientious are more likely to be happy. Those with opposing traits — introversion, disagreeability and neuroticism — are more likely to be depressed.”

Chris Edgar presents How To Put “Negative Emotions” In Perspective posted at Purpose Power Coaching, saying, “We’re taught to reject or avoid certain feelings we label “negative,” but ultimately our emotions are neither good nor bad — they’re just energy we experience in our bodies. I take the reader through an exercise to help them remove the labels from the sensations they’ve been avoiding, and help them achieve inner peace around those feelings.”

Metaliphe presents Are You Grieving? posted at Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach, saying, “Are you grieving over the loss of a loved one? Whether you are around friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers, understand that grieving is a natural and normal part of life. If you are grieving and are having trouble being with others, here are a few ways to better deal with your loss.”

Frederic Premji presents How To Do Anything Properly posted at BlogMotivation.com, saying, “Great article that discusses how you should approach anything that you do.”

SJ Yee presents 101 Affirmations You Can Start Using Today! posted at Personal Development for the Book Smart, saying, “A great compilation of affirmations you can use in all areas of your life.”

Scott.Goolsby presents Nature and Spirit posted at Unapologetic Genius, saying, “Connecting with Self through nature.”

David B. Bohl presents Walking With Persephone posted at Slow Down Fast Today!, saying, “Life is very much like the cycles of Persephone’s life. We experience periods of great joy and fulfillment, only to suffer a loss and be cast into the depths of hell.”

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our
carnival submission form.

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May 9th, 2008

Talking to Children About Death

Bereavement is hard especially when you have children and need to try and cope with their feelings. It is so easy to think that they are OK as they hide their feelings and “appear fine” The Washington Post shares suggestions from the  U.S. National Library of Medicine when talking to children about death:

• Keep your explanation honest, simple, and on a level that’s appropriate for the child’s age.
• Understand that death can cause fears and confusion in many children.
• Talk about it as openly as possible when they ask questions or if a situation occurs that requires you to discuss it.
• Talk about your feelings — fear, sadness, anger and anything else you feel. Show your child that the emotions they have are normal.
• Help children understand that they had nothing to do with the death. The person did not die because of something the children did, and they could not have prevented it from happening.

 Children are so adept at hiding their feelings, I think because they don’t understand their feelings. Death is something new to them, it is in itself hard to explain….in our grief we must put time aside to talk to our children about what has happened, no matter how hard that is….how we help them come through this time, will shape the way they see the world in the future.

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May 8th, 2008

Grief Does Not Need Death

I was speaking to a friend who said “You know, I have not lost someone close to me yet, however I don’t think that you need to suffer a death to feel grief”

It made me think and the more we talked the more I agreed. Grief comes in many ways…

• Loss of a job
• Divorce or separation from your partner
• When your children leave home
• Redundancy of people around you 
• Grief over large events such as Burma or the death of Princess Diana
• Surgery such as hysterectomy

As widows or widowers we can sometimes think that people who have not suffered a death, cannot relate to our feelings. That is wrong. Loss is loss….it may be easier to replace some of the losses but they still cause feelings of grief, depression and loneliness.

What do you think?

{iStockphoto}

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May 7th, 2008

Test Your Knowledge of Mourning

Over at Seattle PI I read an insight into what mourning is and what mourning isn’t - called Test Your Knowledge of Mourning.

I would like to draw attention to their comment about health, which is so important

While your own health may be your last concern while you are mourning a loved one, you should try to keep your physical well-being in mind by making sure you’re eating, getting some exercise and seeing a doctor if and when you need to.

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May 6th, 2008

When Family Disappoints You

Families all suffer a death at some point, as families are made up of diverse human beings it can be easy for conflict to arise. Grief is emotional, grief stirs different emotions in each person. One thing I have found is that there is no one way that people cope with bereavement - we all react in very different ways.

For instance, when we lost my Dad - my sister was very emotional, crying a lot, unable to cope with my mum’s feelings. My mum was quite numb, quite stoical, even joking through some elements of the death. For me, I was the so called “strong” one, I did not show my emotions and dealt with the practicalities. That caused my sister to think I didn’t care as much, which was not true…it was just my way of coping with the sense of loss.

Fortunately, we all knew that we were different, that we were coping in the way that made sense to us as individuals. However, in some families conflict can arise. My tips for family conflict during the grief process would be

1. Patience. Be patient with those around you. Death is emotional however try and see the emotions as part of the grief rather than taking it personally.
2. Give space to those who need to grieve.
3. Seek reconciliation by understanding how people are different.
4. Forgiveness. When we are hurting we can say awful things….forgiveness is a wonderful gift to the human spirit.
5. Listening. If people are emotional, then let them vent, listen to their concerns.

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May 5th, 2008

Loss vs Gain When Grieving

Loss by definition means that something is missing in your life. It illustrates the gap that is left in your life, in your heart, in your soul. But you know when looking at your new life, remember that no matter what happens there are always counter balances.

Grief can also lead to gains in your life.

You have lost your life partner, yet gained a heart that knows how to love

You have lost the person who gave you the strength to face life, but gained the knowledge that you have that strength inside of you

You have lost the chance to do things together, yet gained the chance of doing some things purely for you.

You have lost part of your “life” yet gained the knowledge that life is short and not to waste a moment.

In loss, in grief….feel the loss but also feel the gain in terms of your own inner strength, your own growth in understanding how special life is…and cherish each moment.

{photo from istockphoto}

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May 4th, 2008

Carnival of Positive Thinking

After not feeling too well this week, I am definitely in the mood for articles that will help me get back on track with my life. So here is this weeks blog carnival on positive thinking

Dr. Neill Neill presents Facing a Possible Death in the Family: Surviving the Emotional Roller Coaster Ride and Making Room for Healing posted at Practical Psychology for Capable People, saying, “A year and a half ago I lost a son to cancer. About three weeks ago I lost another son, this time to heart failure following personal neglect while abusing drugs. I wrote this article while he was in hospital.”

Dr. Neill Neill presents Facing the Death of a Son posted at Practical Psychology for Capable People, saying, “I wrote this article three weeks after my son died. I leave shortly for his memorial service on April 28.”

GP presents Meditation in Cathedrals of our Own posted at Innstyle Montana- Come on Inn, saying, “Being out in nature in the outdoors gives one the chance for meditation in “cathedrals of our own”"

Joel Chue presents How to Create a Self Hypnosis Recording posted at SELF HYPNOSIS: Weight Loss, Quit Smoking Self Hypnosis!.

Dr. Joe Capista presents Why can’t I achieve my goals? posted at The Success Triangle, saying, “If you want what you say you do, you have to set goals. It’s not that difficult and the results will amaze you. Get a blank book. On each page write down your goals in a specific category and date it.
Not only should you write your goals down, you must review them morning and night. Write your primary goals on a 3 x 5 card to make the review time more targeted. Doing this will keep you on target with what you want.”

MCA presents Health Effects Of Caffeine | My Caffeine Addiction posted at Caffeine Addiction, saying, “If you are not aware of the health effects of caffeine, you should learn about them before you pour that next cup of coffee.”

GreatManagement presents “I’ll Start Tomorrow” posted at The GreatManagement Blog, saying, ““I am struggling to make progress to meet my goals. How do you suggest I make the right progress?””

Gary Evans presents Law of Attraction 101 posted at Good To Feel Good.

gia combs-ramirez presents How to Immediately Eliminate the Effects of Stress posted at The Science of Energy Healing, saying, “With a simple technique you can immediately lower your blood pressure, improve your immune system, release endorphins, and become more positive. And it’s fun!”

Frederic Premji presents 9 Effective Ways To Get Out Of A Rut posted at BlogMotivation.com, saying, “Great article about simple methods to get back on track :)”

Chris Edgar presents Defending Our “Loserhood” With All We’ve Got posted at Purpose Power Coaching, saying, “It seems there’s no idea people will defend more fiercely than the notion that they aren’t good enough human beings. Why do we defend ourselves against giving up these painful thoughts? I’ve come to believe it’s because, consciously or otherwise, we see these ideas as part of who we are. We need these ideas, we think, to be complete human beings—losing them would be like losing some part of our bodies. In this article, I provide some exercises you can use to detach yourself from these thoughts and draw nearer to inner peace.”

Charles H. Green presents What’s Your Trust Quotient? posted at Trusted Advisor Associates, saying, “Do others trust you? Should they? Take the trust test, find out, and learn how to become even more trustworthy.”

A Girl presents Going off SSRI’s posted at A Girl Smiles, saying, “I’m just starting a blog about going off antidepressants, and how to stay happy without them.”

Alex Blackwell presents The Secret to Life in One Sentence or Less posted at The Next 45 Years.

Scott.Goolsby presents Limiting Beliefs Are So Last Year! posted at Unapologetic Genius, saying, “Overcoming limiting beliefs.”

Metaliphe presents Sad or Depressed? posted at Chandra Unplugged - No nonsense, Straight-up blogging from a Life Coach, saying, “Are you really depressed or are you just sad? If you’ve been told you’re depressed but just feel really sad, learn the difference between clinical depression and normal sadness.”

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of positive thinking using our
carnival submission form.

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May 2nd, 2008

The Loss of Parents

I am a big soccer fan and this week I watched as Frank Lampard  - whose mother had died during the week - step up and score a penalty in the Champions League semi final. He was desperate to play and his mother would have wanted him to - she was his biggest fan.

What struck me was for all the money these players earn, for all the prestige of the event,   after he scored he wept, holding his black armband and pointing to his father.

When we lose a parent, it is like losing part of us. They are our guardians, our supporters throughout life. When they die they leave a huge gap in our lives. I think itis so important in that grief to remember how we can honour their memory - Frank did that by doing what his mother loved to see him doing - scoring for Chelsea.

For me, my Dad was the most important influence in my life. I write another blog The Engaging Brand and produce a podcast of the same name in honour of everything he taught me. Somehow it is keeping his memory alive.

Losing a parent is inevitable, however you never lose their influence from your life.

{photo from istockphoto}

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May 1st, 2008

Broken Hearts are Like Broken Vases

Broken hearts are fragile, they have scars just like the cracks in a broken vase. When that vase breaks you can put it back together, you can glue the pieces…there will always be a thin crack that is visible to the world. However, that vase can still be beautiful, can still be precious. You learn to turn the vase so that people don’t see the break.

Broken hearts are just the same. There will always be the memory, however you can put your heart back together, through the glue of family, friends and a little self belief. A broken heart doesn’t mean that you can never love again, it just means that you need to learn to live with that breaking heart. To learn over time to move that crack from the front of your mind to the back of your mind - it is still there, just managed.

Broken hearts are an outcome of grief, of loving and losing…..they are a sign of something very special that has happened in our lives….this blog is hopefully part of that glue that will mend that break

 {photo from istockphoto}

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