Widows Quest

Your Story

by Adelle Tilton on March 22nd, 2006

Your story. It is the single most important thing you have as you begin the grieving process. It is the event that caused your life to suddenly come to a halt and head off into a different direction. It is an event you had no control over and now it lives in you and dictates every step of the journey you are on.

Anyone who has lost their husband, or another loved one, has a story. And they know it down to the finest detail. Just like you know yours. Do you realize the importance of your story?

When you lost your husband, you most likely found yourself telling people exactly what happened at the time of the death. If it was a sudden death you can recall almost every detail. What you said, who was there, and what happened next. You know it blow by blow and you have repeated it over and over again. Sometimes you have told the same person that story several times. Each time you tell it though, it is like telling it for the first time for you.

Grieving has a more definite beginning than ending. We know that grieving begins at the moment of the death of our loved one or in the case of a terminal illness; it begins when death becomes an inevitability that cannot be ignored. That starting point is Your Story.

I wish I could say there is a definite ending point, but it isn’t that easy. For now Your Story is something that is therapeutic and starts the grieving process. It begins the outward expression which we call mourning. Without it, without The Story, healing is a much harder journey.

I invite you to embrace your story. It is an important part of you and who you are, as well as whom you will become throughout this process. Tell it over and over and over again. Comment her and tell your story to others and share it. Be sure you document it carefully in your journal.

Why is this Story so important?

When a person goes through a trauma such as dealing with the death of a loved one, the brain goes into a state of shock of sorts. It is almost like a denial. Things mentally shut down. There is a reason for this. It is a protective measure. Digesting all of it at once is more than your brain and emotions can handle. Over time you get it back in little bits, each time a little more as your mind can handle and accept it, until the whole situation has been absorbed. Your story is the way you “break the news to yourself.” Telling it to others is actually a way of telling it to yourself and the beginning of accepting the reality in the bits and pieces you are able.

Your Story is a way of helping you move through the stages of grief. Denial is one of the strongest stages and the one we are most reluctant to dispose of. The comfort of “believing” this person is just gone for a while is terribly deceptive. It is normal and part of the coping mechanism for a time but eventually you begin to move out of denial. Your Story by being told to others makes it real. You have told it to enough people that they know it and can tell it back to you. Denial then fades gradually over time.

The memory of Your Story is more important than you realize. Right now it is painful. It makes you cry probably and sometimes it throws you into a deep despair. But it is precious. Part of Your Story will have the last words you exchanged with your loved one. Part of it will include the unbearable sadness. Part of it will include the actual death. But all of it together will contain the last memories of a person you cared for very much and this validates not only this person and their life but also your relationship. Retelling Your Story imprints it more firmly in your mind during a period of time where your memory is stressed to the maximum.

Your Story is part of you. My Story is part of me. It is making us who we will become, and it is the first step in that process. It is… the beginning.

Share This

Related Stories

A story of Positive Thinking
Creating a memory book
An Inspirational Story
Beyond Belief - A Story of Hope
Your life as a film

POSTED IN: Grief, Loneliness, Guilt & Depression