Watching Someone Die
One of the images that has stayed with me, is his face over those last few hours. As a human being you have 2 thoughts going through your head:
- Hope. You have this lingering hope that there will be a miracle. They will pull through and everything will be fine.
- Wishing they would go….You don’t want them to hurt, you don’t want them to suffer. You want them to retain some level of dignity and you know they would not want you to be suffering.
These 2 thoughts are contradictory and yet very real and difficult to think about at the same time. What I tried to do was speak to the doctors, understand the reality and face the reality.
For the second, I knew him, I knew what he would want and knew that he wanted to go. So when he took his last breath, I did feel a sense of relief for HIM. He was a very dignified man, he is still in my heart, watching over me and I knew that it was the right time - even if it did break my heart.
Tags: coping-with-loss, dying, Grief, terminal-illness, watching-someone-die, widow, widowerRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Grief
43 opinions for Watching Someone Die
Gloria
Jan 27, 2008 at 11:44 am
My father just passed away last night at Hospice. My whole family and I watched him take his last few breaths and then there was stillness and we knew. Our family is large and all of us were there, including grandchildren (younger ones were either taken home or not in the room). We all cried our lamented cries and had our own reactions. Right now, I feel like my heart is breaking and I’m crying inside, but at the same time I feel very numb and I can’t cry a full cry.
I know my father is with Our Lord, with absolutely no doubt because of the way he lived his life and the way he raised all of us. The one thing I walk away with is the knowledge that he was a great man, an unbelievable father and an undying love and trust for God. He will help me through this.
More on Watching Someone Die
Jan 28, 2008 at 7:32 am
[…] posted a while ago about Watching Someone Die and Gloria just posted a comment that touched my heart, the comment […]
anna
Jan 28, 2008 at 7:33 am
Gloria
I am so sorry, I remember so vividly the day I lost my dad..I have posted about that today
http://www.widowsquest.com/more-on-watching-someone-die/
Elizabeth
Jan 28, 2008 at 7:46 am
Gloria, I am so sorry about your dad.
My mother died at Hospice several months ago.
The day will sty with you forever, but, it really will get better over time when you think about it.
Dr Beth Waddel
Jan 28, 2008 at 11:23 am
We are so blessed with the Hospice organization.
Hospice was there with my family when both my mom and dad passed away.
It’s such a sacred and precious moment, but heart wrenching for sure. I can still feel that feeling of shock in my stomach even though it’s been several years now.
To companion someone as they move through the dying process is one of the most honored gifts they can give us.
I send you cyber hugs to ease that pain and am so thankful you were all able to be there to make the transition more grace-filled.
Beth
Dr Beth Waddel
Jan 28, 2008 at 11:23 am
We are so blessed with the Hospice organization.
Hospice was there with my family when both my mom and dad passed away.
It’s such a sacred and precious moment, but heart wrenching for sure. I can still feel that feeling of shock in my stomach even though it’s been several years now.
To companion someone as they move through the dying process is one of the most honored gifts they can give us.
I send you cyber hugs to ease that pain and am so thankful you were all able to be there to make the transition more grace-filled.
Beth
Mary
Jan 28, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Dear Gloria,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your heart must be breaking right now. The pain can be unbearable, but eventually it will ease, and you’ll be able to hold your father’s memory in your heart without the constriction of sadness. My parents died 40 days apart in 2001, and I’m able to think of the sweet memories now without the ache. You’re so fortunate to have a large, loving family to lend support to one another.
Take care,
Mary
margaret borland
Feb 1, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Please send me any comments or stories people write about watching their loved one die. I (8 months ago) watched my daddy (he was 92) take his last breath. It is an image that is always in my mind. It still hurts so bad. No one can know that feeling unless they have been through the same situation. I was by myself holding his hand when he took his last breath.
gina
Feb 2, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Hello
I am sorry for your loss
The love of my life passed away just over 3 years ago
he was 46 and had an aggressive rare cancer
we had a brief time together-5 years of pure joy and sadness, we knew the serious nature of our situation
He passed away at home, with me holding his hand and my head on his chest, along with his cat on his legs, plus 2 people who loved him like a son and a nurse for liquid morphine-I gave him the second dose, he spit it out, said he loved me and died
Initially, I ran outside and screamed to God to make this stop, then I ran back in and surrendered to what I could not control
I have cried and cried over those final days and last moment
It will always be in my memory, but all I can say is that I am so thankful that I was there for him, he didn’t die alone and he left this world knowing I loved him
If it had been the other way around, I would have wanted him with me
May you find some comfort to endure this void in your life
Gloria
Feb 3, 2008 at 9:44 am
Anna, Elizabeth,Mary and Beth:
What beautiful, caring souls you all are. My heart is hurting so badly but I know that you know my pain. We are all part of this wonderful human race and even through death, we are united. Love and thankfulness to you all.
Gloria
Feb 3, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Gina, my heart just broke reading about your loss of your beautiful love. I, like yourself, will also remember every little second of the end. It’s such a hard thing to battle and yet, when we surrender to it, we realize that God brings healing to us, just as He restored spiritual and eternal life to your love. I will pray for you and know that somehow, we connected today.
Love, Gloria
anna
Feb 4, 2008 at 4:15 am
It is amazing how we spend years knowing a person and yet our memory is of those last few moments..we need to find a way of remembering the smiles, the laughing the happy times…maybe that is just with time.
gina
Feb 4, 2008 at 7:37 am
Hello
Gloria
Thank you for your sweet message and prayer
I miss my sweet man every day
I am so happy to have found this site
took 3 years of searching for something besides the support of my family and close friends
Finally, the other day, the pain was so bad, I typed in prayers for widows and that’s how I got here
Maybe, there really is a “time for everything”, even when things don’t happen the way you wanted them to go, it’s how it was meant to be
I have to trust and accept this spiritual truth
Gina
anna
Feb 5, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Gina - as my dad would say…let go what you cannot change and concentrate on what you have learned for the future
gina
Feb 5, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Hi
Anna
Thanx
Great Advice
Nerolie
Apr 13, 2008 at 12:28 am
I just lost my dad in hospice the other week to pancreatic cancer he was 65, i was there holding his hand and holding him at the end. It was the first of april, he had lost all quality of life in the last two weeks. I am just so upset and can’t get the last moments out of my head, it was awful, and i had to have others in the room from his new family i did not know… Please i hope these memories do not overshadow others from when he was well, as i couldn’t bear it. I am having nightmares and cannot go out of the house..
I can’t say it was a blessing having to nurse him at all, it has been very painful for me, i am just devastated…
Nerolie
Gloria
Apr 13, 2008 at 8:12 am
Nerolie:
I don’t know why it hurts so much to know that someone else is experiencing the the most painful paid ever when losing their father. I lost mine 2 1/2 months ago and watched his very last breath and I know your aching heart.
I wish I could give you a sisterly hug just to let you know just how much I understand. But the other thing I understand now is that no one can remove that pain or void but God. He will ease it as time goes by. But I don’t believe he ever wants you to forget that immense love you had for your father, so he leaves the tiniest bit of heartache, not so you hurt but so you never forget. I pray that you are surrounded by only people that love you and that you can be each other’s strength.
But do know, it’s okay to cry; I live alone and that gives me the freedom to cry and give my heart some rest. I am clinging to every wonderful memory I have of my father and even kept 3 of his recorded phone messages on my phone so that I could hear his greeting daily.
Trust in the Lord and He will never release you from his loving embrace. I hope you know that I feel your pain and wish I could remove it. Take care…..
Gloria
Apr 13, 2008 at 8:14 am
Nerolie:
Just had to correct my typo. I meant to say painful pain, not “paid. I’m sorry.
shine
Apr 13, 2008 at 9:19 am
Gina, I lost my husband 5 years ago. He was 44 and i had two boys 18 months and 3 years. I am like you. I am so grateful My husband was able to be at home ,when he died. He was with he family and friends and was in no pain. The last thing he said was “Heaven” What a awesome gift from God. I feel that I was previleged to be with him as he went on to be with the Lord.
gina
Apr 13, 2008 at 10:27 am
Hello
Shine: So you see how important is was for your experience, that is a gift in itself
I am so sorry for your loss, yet you have a gain in children and whatever you may recognize with time
Recently, I read a statement form a Bereavment Companion counselor in Ireland: This man’s words are wonderfully healing: I’ll send the link for all:
“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
Here is the link:Hoping it provides comfort/there is a book by him, as well
not everything works for all-just keep looking
giftofireland.wordpress.com
Wishing you Peace and Love
Gina
Mary
Apr 13, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Dear Nerolie,
My heart goes out to you in your loss. It does take awhile to let go of the painful images associated with the death of your father. When my parents were in hospice in 2001, neither one of them died with family present. They hung on until my siblings and I left the room.
Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of my father’s death. I posted a favorite picture of him on my blog. When he first died, this picture brought me to my knees with pain. It was such a contrast to the images I had of him in his last days.
But now when I think of him, this is the image that comes to mind: hail and hearty, smiling on the golf course.
Wishing you peace in this time of sorrow.
Hugs,
Mary
Christopher
Jun 11, 2008 at 11:38 pm
We are about to witness the death of my wife’s father. He has non-hodgkins lymphoma and the hospital do not expect him to live for more than 24 hours. Unfortunately, his wife of the last 8 years has no interest in helping him through this last stage of his life and talks incessantly about having “me time.” SHe is going on holiday tomorrow and says that if he dies today “He will wait until I get back” I have tired so very hard to think that this is how she is dealing with it, but nothing in her words or demeanor say anything other than Gold Digger.
I found the comments here reassuring that there are people out there who truly love one another and feel the pain of separation and grief. You have put me in a much better place than I was.
For your own loss, I am so sorry, but if I may offer the thought that grief is the price we must pay for love. Grief does turn into something else in time, and you will be able to find a warm place of comfort when to think about and talk about your father will bring warmth rather than pain. There are many poems and suchlike out there, but if I was to offer you one thing to listen to, try Egar’s Dream of Gerrontius. THis is the story of the death of a man but it ends with a feeling of rebirth when his sould is treated like that of a child. It is a story of hope and above all of continuing and everlasting love.
May God be with you and may the Holy Spirit comfort you.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Gloria
Jun 12, 2008 at 7:24 am
Christopher:
I understand your struggle and just know that you are where you need to be; you are at your wife’s side. Unfortunately, it isn’t for us to figure out what is in another man/woman’s heart, nor, do we know their intentions. You just leave that to our dear Lord to deal with. Your wife just needs to be surrounded by love at this very moment because she will be needing your strength.
We have our own struggles with a family member at this very moment ever since my father died on January 26, 2008. We’ve let her know we love her and when she decides to accept us and returns back into our lives, we will be there with open arms and hearts…no questions asked.
I pray for your strength and your wife and family so that you can soon begin the healing process. It can be a long road sometimes but it does comes. God bless you.
anna
Jun 12, 2008 at 12:19 pm
My thoughts are with you. People react to death or impending death so differently. I remember my mum laughing after dad died and yet I felt so alone. She used laughing and inviting people around I think to cope. There was no question that mum loved dad, and she had suffered incredibly watching him die of dementia. She found her way, I found mine. I suppose I realised that we never really understand other peoples emotions, we never really understand their reactions. We can only understand ours and do what is right for us. I remember Dad once saying try not to judge..thats a job for someone higher and that has helped me. My thoughts go out to you and my prayers are with you
Nerolie
Jun 12, 2008 at 3:56 pm
First of all i want to thank everyone for being so suppotive of me through this website, i know i have not responded, but to tell you the truth, i have not been able to look at it since i posted. I have no faith anymore, so i find that piece of information very hard, as i was very hurt by a church recently…However i respect those who have. I am just realising that if you are going to live here on this earth, well you had better make the most of it. Thankyou to those who women who reached out to me, i was really very touched, and through this website i learned that i still can have a relatioship with my dad even though he is gone. Christopher, i am so sorry, peoples motives are not always our own..and that is just the way life is. What counts is at the end of our lives who is there is the people that truly love us, and really who of us who want fakers…I hope all goes well for your wifes dad, and he goes with peace and dignity, and with the people can count telling him they love him..
Much love to all here
Nerolie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Gloria
Jun 13, 2008 at 9:09 am
Nerolie:
You may see yourself as a woman of no faith but sincerely, I hear the words of a woman with much love and empathy/sympathy in your words and in your heart. People like yourself who care as you do, have a faith that maybe just hasn’t been identified or defined. I see you as a beautiful person who is hurting. I will still pray for you and for your happiness. Love, Gloria
Lynn
Oct 22, 2008 at 7:06 pm
I watched my dad die in hospice on 9/22/08. He was 62. I did not know when I got there that day that this would be my last time with him. He had been awake for most of my visit, trying to speak and write something (he couldn’t). He finally went to sleep, so I sat in his room and ate dinner with 2 of his cousins. We were talking and laughing. The nurse came in and told me I had an hour. An hour for what, I said. I had no idea. I went to call my husband and then the nurse came running after me and said I had minutes. Then he passed. I can’t get over the fact that I was not using the time I was there to hold his hand and comfort him. Had I known I would not have left his side. It is something I go over and over in my head every day-I just can’t forgive myself.
Gloria
Oct 23, 2008 at 1:17 pm
My dearest Lynn,
First let me send my love and condolences to you and your family. I lost my father this year on January 26, 2008. I also lost my mother 10 years ago the same month and it was so different with both of them. My mom did not ever talk about dying but she would tell us, beg us, to continue loving one another as she loved HiM (and she would point to Heaven) and as He loved her. So, I knew she knew.
With my dad, it was different in that he did talk about it. He never admitted to fearing death but he also had the same desire as my mom, and that was for al of their children to love each other and get along. My father asked that we not cry when he was gone but I told him I couldn’t promise him that. He also told me that he wanted us all to continue living and being happy and to not live in regret of anything.
So, my dear Lynn, that’s my message to you. Please don’t have regrets. You were there by his side and instead of crying and solemness, you gave him the gift of conversation, laughter, sharing. So in turn, you gave him a taste of life til the very end. That was a blessing for him. We can’t plan our exact actions or behavior at the end of a life of the person we love; we just are. Your father must still hear your laughter; that’s what he loved about you.
I will continue to pray for you and that healing comes to you as Our Lord takes you in His embrace. He was so blessed to have had a daughter like you.
Take care,
Gloria
anna
Oct 23, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Lynn - my sister left the room just as my Dad died. We saw it a different way, we always knew that he was very protective of her….he waited so that he didn’t leave her with the picture of him dying……it was his final act of love. Maybe that is the same for you?
Gloria what wonderful words….and my heart goes out to you too. Loss is so universal and yet so individual….I understand your pain and my love goes out to you
Gloria
Oct 23, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Thank you so , so much Anna. I think we all try to desperately search for the right words for someone because you want to spare them the pain. All of us here, having suffered a loss of someone we loved so dearly and deeply are so much more empathetic because we’ve been there, walked that same road.
This place has been a true blessing for me because the love you can’t help but feel here as we try to help one another, is sometimes overwhelming. There’s a purpose for everything that comes our way and sometimes, we just have to not question it, knowing we will find the answer sooner or later. God bless everyone here.
Love, Gloria
Gloria
Oct 23, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I meant to say “so” desperately. Had to correct that because it certainly changes the sentiment.
Gloria
Mary
Oct 23, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Dear Lynn,
I’m thinking of you and sending you a hug. It’s tough losing a parent; it doesn’t have a sense of completion when a loved one dies and you’re not present. My parents died after I and my siblings left the nursing home. My father waited until his favorite aides came on duty. My husband died at home when I was at work. With my husband, especially, I kept asking why I had no sense that he was dying. Why didn’t I feel it when I was at work?
Anna gives a wonderful healing answer to that question. “he waited so he didn’t leave her with the picture of him dying…that was his final act of love.” I think that’s what your father did for you, too.
Take care,
Mary
The Final Act of Love
Oct 24, 2008 at 12:42 pm
[…] is an ongoing conversation at the blog post Watching Someone Die, which made me think of final acts of love. If any of you have examples let me know - […]
Lynn
Oct 26, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Thank you Gloria, Anna and Mary for your kind words. I have felt so lost and alone since my father died. Even though I have my husband to turn to, I feel like he does not understand my pain and anger about what happened. Finding this website was a blessing-I feel like you are all family and I now have a place to turn when I need a shoulder to cry on. Thank you all so much!
anna
Oct 27, 2008 at 10:45 am
Lynn - you and I feel the same. I have lost count at how many times a comment left on here has taken me from the blackest days to surviving with a smile. It is great that you feel the same, it will be the anniversary of Dad dying on 5th November so maybe you can save a thought for me on that day
Strength in The Company of a Crowd
Oct 27, 2008 at 11:15 am
[…] is great to see that Widows Quest is helping people. Lynn left a comment on Watching Someone Die that made me think about the comfort this blog brings to […]
Amy
Oct 27, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Lynn, (and all of you) - First let me how sorry I am for all of your losses. I lost my dad July 3rd of cancer. It was the wors thing I’ve ever been through in my life. He was only 67 and had battled for 2 years before dying. It was not at all like you see in the movies where they always show the dying person in bed, yet looking peaceful. The things that happen to your body as it breaks down is something we can only understand when we see it with our own eyes. My father wanted to live so badly and he was gripped with fear to the very end. He kept himself awake for 36-48 hours at a time. My sister, mom & I never ever left his side for the last month of his life. We stayed with him in the hospital at all times and of course, when he come on Hospice for the last two days of his life. I know that we did everything humanly possible to help him, yet I still felt so helpless. I got to say everything to him that I ever wanted to, yet I still wish he had died suddenly without ever knowing it was coming.
I cry every time to I go to my parents house to see my mom. I look over at his chair and exoect to see him and he’s not there and it breaks my heart. He was a great dad and an even better grandfather and he cried many times over how unfair it was that wouldn’t be able to see his “babies” grow up.
I don’t know how long it’s supposed to feel this way. I keep reliving the images of everything he went through in the last few months. The only thing that seems to help is that I keep a box with every picture I could find if him in it nearby and almost every night I look at them. While it’s painful in some ways, I also get to remind myself of all the happy times he had. (Let’s face it - we dont ever take pictures of the bad times, right?).
Everyone keeps telling me it will get better, but the hurt is just more than I can take sometimes. It’s like I am mad at the world for continuing to turn. I am by no means suicidal and some days are better than other but then some days I am aggravated that I made it through the night because the thought of facing another day is overwhelming. I live alone and I think because I have no husband or kids to keep me occupied, I have more time to dwell, yet I just have no motivation to be sociable right now.
I have an appointment with my doctor this week
and was considering asking about an antidepressant. I am not one who like to take medicine, and I am wondering if it will even help or if this is just something that can only be helped by waiting it out. Has anyone had any sucessful treatment that has helped?
Thank you - I just happened to stumble on this site and reading these posts did make me feel less alone.
Amy
Mary
Oct 27, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Lynn,
It must be hard not being able to share such an important loss with your spouse. Michael and I both lost our fathers (and my mother) within the first 8 months of our marriage. We felt blessed at the time that we had one another (two against the world). When we looked back on the experience, we knew it had made our commitment stronger.
Has your husband lost a parent? If he hasn’t, what you’re learning now could help him later on. If your heart doesn’t harden through grief, it becomes a pillow of compassion (soft, squishy and comforting.)
I know what you mean about the value of Widow’s Quest. I’m so grateful that I found this site, and that Anna is at the helm. Whenever the pain gets to be too much, know that you’re being held in the hearts of your friends here.
Hugs,
Mary
Lynn
Nov 5, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Anna-I just wanted you to know that I thought about you today on the anniversary of you dad’s death. I hope the day was filled with loving and happy thoughts of your father.
Lynn
Nov 5, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Amy-
I read your words with tears in my eyes. That your father was gripped with fear to the very end just breaks my heart. I have heard the same thing, that the hurt will get easier with time. I just don’t see that happening, with me anyways, when the last moments of my father’s life run through my head practically every second of the day. I called Hospice yesterday and scheduled an appt. with one of the bereavement counselors. Maybe you could start there before turning to medication? I feel like talking to someone about what happened-or should I say having someone just listen to what is tearing me up inside-might make me feel better. I hope it might do the same for you. Please know you are not alone in this.
Take care,
Lynn
Anna
Nov 6, 2008 at 1:34 am
Lynn thank you for your kid words. I found yesterday so weird. He was such an inspiration and like many daughters I wish I had realised how much when he was alive. He loved me so much and I still look back and feel that I didn’t show my love enough. That is why so much of my life now is keeping his legacy alive. I find focusing the grief on the legacy is like being on medication - it gives me happiness that I am doing something that Dad would be proud of.
Will you let us know how the counselling goes? Would be great to share - not intimate thoughts - but your learnings?
Amy
Nov 6, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Lynn,
I see a counselor from hospice and it has been helpful. I always feel a little better after I see her, but eventually it all comes back to me again. I feel exactly like you do - wondering if it will ever feel better….. It’s 12:30 am as I write this and the tears just keep coming.
It is so good to talk with someone and hospice is wonderful. I looked into support groups but where I live in Massachusetts is kind of rural and they group I found meets only once a month for an hour in the middle of the day.
I do know exactly how you are feeling and you can email me directly anytime. Maybe it would help us both… my email is amygreggputnam@hotmail.com.
Gloria
Nov 7, 2008 at 5:23 am
Lynn:
As I read your comments, before I begin to get ready for work, I see myself in your situation and in your words. I lost dad in January and it didn’t seem to matter what anyone else told me to try to convince me that it would get better. Every day, especially late at night, I would relive his death and I also woud relive his life and the time we had shared together. I can play our conversations and that moment in my mind, as if it was a vdeo that I was sitting back and watching. The hardest part is that I wanted to jump back into that video and make it real again. It happened over and over. I still have my moments where I fall apart and can’t stop the tears or the want for my father. The thing that I have come to terms with is that it doesn’t go away compleely. I don’t believe it should because that is what keeps you eternally connected to your relationship. And you know what? It’s okay; don’t erase it; just welcome it as your father trying to help you through it. My children understand and they allow me to share my memories and sometimes my tears with them. What I don’t want to do is to hang on so tightly to the loss that I forget to create beautiful memories with and for my children. The day I die, I hope that I have left enough loving and cheerful memories for them so that they remember me in such a way that it will soothe them rather than tear them apart. I believe your loving father would want you to remember him, but he would eventually want you to heal. I pray that healing will come to you and that the good memories overpower the loss. I love you and hope the pain will be lifted from you.
Gloria
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