Widows Quest

Transitions

by Adelle Tilton on January 30th, 2006

You most likely have found this blog after the funeral; all of the activity surrounding the death of your husband has slowed down.  Now you are trying to figure out what to do and who you are. 

There are some practical issues you need to attend to in order to get through this period of time.  There is a transition period that moves you from the activity of the death rituals, into the grieving process, and ultimately into the rebuilding process; these will evolve over the next months or years.  It is not unlike shifting gears in a car.  Moving from one speed to another and it is a difficult transition.

I am sure you noticed all the cards, flowers, donations and people around you in the beginning.  You probably even craved some time alone to just absorb the fact that this death really occurred and isn’t some kind of dream.  You may have caught yourself turning to talk to your husband to comment on the activity around you, then realized you couldn’t do that anymore, and as the grief hit again, you needed that time you just couldn’t get.  No one realizes what a busy event death is until they experience it first hand. 

Then slowly after the funeral, it all slowed down.  The flowers wilted and disappeared one bouquet at a time until none were left.  The cards stopped arriving.  People stopped bringing over food and suddenly it becomes incredibly apparent that this is actually for real.  Your husband is gone and the quiet time you craved during the funeral week is the last thing you want.  He is more apparent than ever before by his absence.  You are just simply alone.

Easing Your Transition

• Find a support group.  Call your church, look in your local newspaper, ask the funeral home or call the Chamber of Commerce.  If you can’t find one locally, find one online you are comfortable with.  There are some good forums online that can provide you with support, women to talk to who are going through the same things you are and chats to just talk, cry, or scream.  There are also various mailing lists that can provide support if you prefer to seek support that way.
• Somewhere in the groups of people who were around you in the beginning, are a couple of people, true friends, which know this isn’t over for you.  They may even realize you are just beginning your grieving process.  This is the time to call on them.  You know who they are.  If you are really lucky they have stuck around and been there with you all along.  When someone says to let him or her know if they can help, this is the time to call on them. 
• Don’t neglect your own health now.  I once read that you should treat yourself as though you are in the Intensive Care Unit.  I really didn’t understand that at the time but it is a really good way to look at the situation you are in.  You are physically, emotionally and mentally drained and vulnerable.  You need to be sure you take your own medications if you are on any.  Buy a weekly pill organizer if it will help you remember what to take when to keep your schedule.
• Eat properly.  When you have taken a blow like you have taken, it is important to give your body the nutritional support it needs so that your body can support you through this time.  Eat good fruits and vegetables and whole grain snacks.  Indulge in some comfort foods occasionally, like ice cream, but don’t overdo it.  You may find your appetite is gone and eating is the last thing on your mind.  If that is the case, try eating foods that you recall eating as a child.  There is great emotional comfort in doing that.  Things like macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and gravy, grilled cheese sandwiches and soups can actually make you feel nurtured.
• Take some time off work.  For some reason our society has become death denying.  Most companies will allow three to seven days for the loss of an immediate family member but that is hardly enough time to find a routine again.  If at all possible financially, take a month or even a year.  If you have sick leave and vacation time stored up, this is the time to use it.  If you have the financial stability to take time off without pay, do it if at all possible.
• If you have children find some help with childcare.  A family member or friend is ideal because the children are coping with the loss as well.  Your fatigue and feeling overwhelmed is normal and you need help.  Sometimes it may seem that one request of “Mom, can you make me a peanut butter sandwich,” is a tougher job than climbing Mt. Everest.  Having someone to help you with the daily needs of the kids will help you more than you know.
• Take a walk everyday.  It probably seems like a monumental task at times but do it anyway.  Even a short five-minute walk will grow over time into a longer walk and it will help you clear your head, think and have some time alone.  The physical activity seems to allow your mind to work things through and help the processing of something that is near impossible to comprehend.  If you were previously very active, don’t be surprised if you feel physically very weak in the beginning.  Just walk as your comfort allows.  If you were not physically active before your loss, take it easy and start slow.  
• Start a journal.  Your journal may begin with you writing letters to your loved one.  Write him or her everyday, every other day or as often as you wish.  Say all the things you wish you had said that perhaps you didn’t have time to say.  Say all the things that you wish you could tell them now.  Tell them how you feel, how you miss them, what you miss as you think about it and how much you love them.  As time goes by if you wish to leave the letter-writing format and just write freely as you think, do that.  It is your journal and you can structure it anyway you like.  You may wish to include some sketches or drawings.
• Pray and/or meditate.  Reaching out to God, the Higher Power, whatever you call Him, is natural when you have just experienced a loss like this.  You may find a structured time for talking to God works for you.  You may prefer to just have a running conversation with Him during the day.  You may want to scream at Him and that is okay too.  Whatever your faith is, reaching out to that which is so much bigger than us can help you as you struggle with this transition time.
• Last and not least, in fact most importantly, DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE.  I give you permission right here and now, to not get rid of any of your husband’s possessions, to not go through papers (other than those than may be required for insurance benefits), to not throw out a toothbrush, a razor, a shirt or change a bedroom.  Don’t move from your home or put your house up for sale.  Don’t find a new home for the dog.  Don’t change a thing until you are ready to.  You may find people pressuring you to donate clothes or throw things out, and you are the only one who knows when you are ready for that.  It may be a week, a month or a year.  This is your life and don’t be swayed into doing anything you aren’t ready for.  You will know what to do and when it is right.  Trust yourself.

Transitions are always difficult but this is probably the hardest one you will ever face.  The reality of the death is beginning to make itself known and the pain is just beginning.  Just when other people think that things are getting better and their lives of course moved on, you have come to a screeching halt and feel lost.  You will find your way on the path of grieving and it will get easier.  Working slowly and gently through your own transition will ease the strain and help you move into your grief.

 

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POSTED IN: Grief, Loneliness, Guilt & Depression, Pragmatic Issues