My Only Sign From Beyond The Grave Was Fear…
I urge you to read the comment that Jackie left to Grief Brings Loneliness but I am Never Alone, it touched my heart and I will never see a rainbow in the same light.
I so wish that I had received a sign that he is OK. The only emotion that I ever had was returning to the house on the night he died. I was driving and when I pulled into the house, I started to shiver. I felt a fear that was overpowering. It was like a bad ghost was inside the house, I couldn’t go in. I stood there and phoned my best friend, asked her to come round. She arrived within 30 minutes. She held my hand and took me into the house. I asked her to sleep in the same room, I just couldn’t bare to be alone.
The ghostly feeling had gone the next morning. I think that is why I have always been so desperate for a comforting sign, one that feels as though he is looking over me. Maybe one day….for now I will wear his old jumper around the house and let the woolen arms hold me tight….
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Tags: died, emotion, ghost, grave, Grief, Loneliness, Guilt & Depression, rainbowRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Comfort Yourself
6 opinions for My Only Sign From Beyond The Grave Was Fear…
Jackie b's
Jun 9, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Anna, I think that you are receiving a special sign that only you and he would recognize. Sometimes I was looking for a sign so hard that I was missing what was right in front of me. I am going to pray for you to see that special sign and soon so that your soul will find confort and you can begin to really heal. I love you for what you have gone thru and for sharing with those of us that grieve in silence. Jackie b
anna
Jun 10, 2008 at 11:19 am
Jackie I so hope you are right…maybe when you stop looking the sign comes. Thank you for your lovely words, I just hope through this blog we can bring grief out in the open and move on together
Jackie b's
Jun 13, 2008 at 2:56 am
Ana
I had a dream about you last nite,
and You had little birds around you at odd times that seem to just come fro, no where,? Just wondering because I think the birds are singing to you but you just can;t hear them yet, seriously.
I am standing in faith that you see the signs your precious husband is trying to send so that you will began to find the peace you need for questions that seem to be no answers.
(((((((hugs))))))))
Jackie b
Anna
Jun 13, 2008 at 7:23 am
Oh Jackie that is such a nice thought…mind you it made me smile, you won’t know this but I am phobic about birds!!!
I wonder whether I am looking for a sign but looking for something obvious maybe he is coming to me in more subtle ways…I still can’t even remember his face, I can only remember the last moments. That is what makes me really sad
Jackie b's
Jun 13, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Anna,
You are trying too hard not to forget that you are over taxing what your concious mind will never forget. I too have gone thru those periods of time that I’m afraid I am losing Jill. Like knowing what her laugh sounded like, or how blue her eyes were, and how delicate her hands were.
But then I have to make myself sit back and take deep breaths and just ask God to send those images clearer to me, to please never let me forget and soon I will be hugging one of her friends and smell the herbal essance shampoo in their hair and a wave of remembrance rushes over me like a gentle waterfall. The little things like that is what keeps me knowing and never ever forgetting.
Shock does awful things to us. Having friends in the medical community, which were well meaning but perscribed meds to keep me from feeling and having no memory.
they were very addictive meds and I became a zombie buried alive, then that Sunday came and Kmart and my rainbow and I knew I had to face it.
I had not truly mourned Jill’s death and given her the respect she so deserved because I lived that first year drugged, in silence with 2 attempted suicided. Doctors said i should have died with all the pills I had taken at one time, they pumped over 1/2 gallon of shells and sediments from my stomach. I wanted to die.
But, I am still here. So on that Sunday in April, I threw all the pills away. I hated myself for cheating Jill out of any respect I should have given her by taking the easy way out and not feeling anything.
From April to June I went thru some horrible withdrawals. I was freezing and sweating at the same time. Vomiting every time I even tried to drink water. My house was a mess, I was a mess and my life was a mess.
The 21st of June an old friend that I had not seen for 20 years came beating at my door, and surprisingly I opened the door. He said, Jackie, do you know who I am, and I did. Then he said, Jackie because I love you as my friend I am telling you this. You are addicted and are going thru withdrawals, and you can’t do it alone. I know how determined you can be but your body can’t take anymore abuse from the meds or from you blaming yourself that if only you had done something differently, Jill would still be here.
He said now you might be mad at me but I don’t care, you’ll get over it, but what you are going to do is come with me to a narcotics annon meeting, there are people there who can help you with the withdrawls, then you can work on getting things right in your head with Jill.
He took me in my bathrobe, barefoot and still crying every moment, and on June 21st I went to my first na meeting. June 21st was also Jill’s birthday, altho Tim did not know that.
that first year was a battle for me, because once everything was out of my system I had to really feel everything and face everything. Life as I once knew it no longer existed.
And there are still times I am tempted to not to want to feel, but come June 21st I will be getting my 6 years coin, and i;m proud of that.
I don’t have to be ashamed anymore for taking the easy way out at the time, the hurt is still just as deep and just as fresh as the day she left but with Gods help I am able to face that pain and try instead to remember the great things about her.
Jill was my best friend, and now I can at least say her name without falling completely apart.
Im not who i use to be, Im not sure who I am now and I have no idea what lies ahead of me, but if God wouldn’t give up onme when I had completely given up then there must be something I am supposed to do before my call comes.
I have no idea what it is or how I am supposed to do it, but day by day my vision of Jill becomes clearer and clearer and I have accepted the fact that my beloved child lives in Heaven now, but one day I will see her again.
You will see his face and remember every line and lash, when you are supposed to, I truly believe that. And i truly believe he is right there with you, it just your grief that is blinding you and I know you will get past it and begin to see clearly all the things your are so afraid you will forget.
(((((hugs)))))))
Jackie b
anna
Jun 16, 2008 at 11:08 am
Gosh, what a life story and wonderful to know how you have battled back. I know I have too thought about ending it all, yet one thing that attracted hum to me - supposedly! - was my inner strength and therefore I don’t want to fail him now. You are so right and I can only thank you for your words - they have really helped. It is so true that we just need to keep putting one foot in front of another…and eventually we will learn to walk again…naturally
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