Widows Quest

It’s Okay to Come Undone

by marlene on May 11th, 2006

Grief introduces a time of coming undone, unraveling at the seams of our existence.

For many of us, it’s an uncomfortable sensation, especially if we are generally perceived as emotionally strong and resilient problem-solvers by our friends, family and peers. We feel an urge to diminish and downplay the loss, to keep ourselves busy, to look for magic cures or someone to rescue us, and to do anything but accept it.

All this resistance is normal and natural. As humans, we’re simply built that way. Our operant conditioning often steers us toward denial and avoidance in an attempt to retreat from pain and discomfort.

However, to keep fighting after we’ve reached a certain stage in the grieving process can be detrimental to our emotional well-being. We’re so adept at finding hacks and quick fixes that we (falsely) begin to believe that we can control almost everything that comes our way.

Grief and loss are experiences that cannot be solved or fixed, suppressed or denied. When loss enters our lives, it’s a sign that we must learn to open ourselves up to the experience of our own vulnerability and helplessness. We can control many things in life, but not this one.

Healing doesn’t happen quickly, but it does arrive by letting yourself give in to it. Come undone. Journey through the pain. Don’t sidestep.

To paraphrase a well-known prayer used by many 12-step programs: “God, help me to fight when I need to fight and accept when I need to accept, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

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POSTED IN: Grief