A Man You Know Is Grieving
Adelle Tilton
If you have experienced a loss, the odds are high that you know a man who is experiencing the same loss, perhaps your brother-in-law or your husband’s father. As you cry and mourn the death of your husband, you probably have seen the struggle that a man goes through when he is confronted by death. How can you help a man deal with grief and find the healing he needs?
The Constructiveness of Grief
Men are from Mars we have been told and thus the entire approach to emotions is different. But not that different and it is important to understand that. Grief is a process that takes time and it is a time that can teach us much about ourselves and allow us to become fuller in our humanity. As woman cry and men attempt not to, letting them know that their mourning is a step toward the goal of healing will help a man feel more in control. It is in most men’s nature to need to find a sense of control. Helping them understand that this overwhelming grief is something they need to plough through rather than sidestep, will help them find that sense of control.
Inappropriate Response to Grief
Often men in their journey of grief will turn to something to dull the feelings raging inside of him. Drinking is a common response and when it turns into heavy drinking, the grief process is aborted. Another common reaction is for a man who is middle aged to seek a partner that is considerably younger than him as a way to prove his youth and vitality. Financial irresponsibility is another symptom; if you observe that a retirement account is being cashed in or careless spending is becoming routine, it is helpful to gently talk over how grief can be detoured and the harm that can result from avoiding the pain. Grief must be acknowledged and dealt with for healing to occur.
Talking and Acting
Men by nature do not as easily talk to each other as woman do. Fearing they might appear weak, a man will often not delve into his inner emotional backlog as easily as a woman and the burden of grief becomes heavier. If you know a man who is grieving, have lunch or dinner with him and talk. Let him talk by asking questions and really listening. As you talk remember men are more inclined to want to “do” things rather than “feel” things. If you can get a man talking about his feelings of grief, then it would help him to suggest something concrete he can do. Working to build a foundation to memorialize his loved one is an example of a project that can keep the connection to the loved one. Embarking on a new hobby that will show results is also something that can help funnel the feelings in a positive direction.
Spirituality
A man’s spirituality is as important to him as a woman’s is to her, but he may be less vocal about it. If you have a close enough relationship to a grieving man, talking about faith and the soul is a way to open him up to recognize the strength within himself because of his beliefs. If he is experiencing a “crisis of faith” he needs more than ever someone to talk to about his feelings.
Grief is an equal opportunity burden. It will not discriminate against any of us. Remember the men you know who are hurting and in pain from their loss. Making a difference in someone’s life is perhaps the most important mission we can ever have and even in our grief, we can still reach out and help another.
Madame Swetchine
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POSTED IN: Grief, Rebuilding Shattered Faith
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